Lexie
1840 South 1300 East
Salt Lake City, UT 84105
Darla
1840 South 1300 East
Salt Lake City, UT 84105
August 31, 2011
Dear Darla,
I hope that you are doing well. Now that this year’s First Year Student Orientation has concluded, the Community Relations student workers, including myself, have a few concerns about how the event was handled, specifically about the involvement of the Community Relations office in the scavenger hunt activities, what our duties were, and the organization of the entire event.
As you know, another work study student and myself were asked to work during the scavenger hunt at freshman orientation. We were expected to contact businesses included in the scavenger hunt, make sure that the event was running smoothly for them and answer any questions they may have had. Things were awry from the beginning, when an official list of businesses that were supposed to be involved was not made available to us by the FYSO staff. We were forced to use an incomplete, unofficial list that we had received two weeks prior.
Once out in the community, we realized that very few of the businesses had even been informed of the event happening that day. For the entire first half of the day, business owners were extremely confused as to why hundreds of Westminster freshmen were coming into their business. By the second half, most businesses had figured out what the event was, but still expressed that they would have liked to have prior knowledge. Throughout the day, only two businesses had been previously informed of the event. Many of the businesses we went to were not included on the final list, resulted in a lot of inefficient, wasted time on our parts.
Overall, the event could have planned been much better. Next year, I would recommend the community relations department have a greater involvement in the organization of the scavenger hunt from the beginning. We need to notify businesses of the event at least a month prior and begin lobbying for businesses to have some sort of handout for the students – even if it is something as simple as a flyer. We need to have a finalized list of businesses available for anyone who needs it prior to the beginning of the event, and need to have greater follow-up with the businesses after the event to ensure their satisfaction with their student-community interactions.
I believe if we take these considerations into account next year, we would have a much more successful and fulfilling event for both students and the community.
Thank you for your time,
-Lexie
Hi Lexie,
ReplyDeleteThis is a great draft. You do an excellent job presenting the problem and your solutions to it.
Two things: See if you can soften it a bit. It is a bit blunt right now and you want your reader to feel like you really care and are just trying to help rather than to scold. See if you can reword it in a way that reflects that a bit more. I suggest starting with an opening that establishes a bit more connection with the reader.
Also, see if you can tighten things up a bit. Try to cut the total message (after making the other changes) by 1/3 without losing the sense or content.
Please see my specific comments below and let me know if you have any questions.
Jeff
----
I hope that you are doing well -- Not sure you need this. However, you need to find a way to establish a bit more connection with your reader. Perhaps you can talk about the relief of having the student orientations done or that you think this will be a great year or something like that. The point is that you want to introduce the topic without jumping right into what went wrong. Connect with them before pointing out flaws.
Very good, detailed description of the problem. You do a good job of showing the confusion and frustration of the event and it is a clear demonstration of the problem. Well done.
Overall, the event could have planned been much better. -- I'd cut sentences like this. Focus on how to make things better rather than discussing that things went wrong. This statement is implied in your description of the problem, so you really don't need to say it.
Rather than saying "we need," try making it "we should." It is just a bit softer.